I drew the Eight of Wands six days ago, and it keeps reappearing. This often happens; a card will keep showing up until I’ve fully absorbed its message. For a long time, that card was the Ten of Swords – it got to the point where I considered buying a new deck! But no, I had to accept I wasn’t paying attention. (I write elsewhere about my tarot practice and beliefs if you’re interested.)

Surprising Ease in the Wee Small Hours

Considering I fell asleep around 11 PM and was awake again by 1:10 AM, I feel surprisingly easy. My Fitbit says I slept like a log during those two hours. More often than not, I have two distinct periods of sleep. The first, regardless of when I go to bed, always sees me wake between 1 and 1:30 AM. I’ve even tried changing my sleep environment to rule out neighbor noise, but it makes no difference. I often use this time productively; it’s when some of my best thinking happens.

It takes a little moment to adjust clothing or bedding because I’ve usually woken from a quite extreme hot flush and need to drink lots of water. Then, without prompting, thoughts will start up. I can now read my thoughts in the moment and be productive, unlike previous times when I’d be consumed with anxiety loops or the “internal infernal jukebox” (currently playing something by Beck – if I pay attention to the lyrics for a moment, I might just get a message “the logic of the sex laws”… nope, can’t get anything out of that. Okay, catchy tune though, which is probably why the internal infernal jukebox has picked it up!).

I digress. During these dark-of-night productivity hours, I can get back to a light sleep, more of a doze, until about 5:30 AM. It’s not the exact same pattern every night, but it’s a sleep of two halves.

The Social Media Struggle: A New Plan Emerges

Last night, I planned a photography campaign. I found myself overwhelmed the last few days with the reality of my inability to casually fling myself at the socials like I’m comfortable in that alien landscape. Overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, defeated by thoughts that I can’t do it.

I had a terrific plan on paper, but when it came to putting it into action, it quickly became apparent that I’d written up what is probably an excellent plan for someone comfortable and more used to that world. I was keenly aware of that discomfort I feel when I have to engage in small talk with strangers or impolite social situations where I can’t really be myself. When I want to pull on a mask. Awkwardness, I suppose, is the exact adjective. I actively try not to wear a mask anymore. I have less occasion to because I live life differently now, so I don’t have to (more about this elsewhere).

Having become aware of the root of my discomfort, I was able to start coming up with a new plan of action. This new plan will still produce social media content, but it will be honest, authentic, and allow me to be comfortable in my own skin. That matters much, much, much, much, much more than algorithms and Google rankings. (I got stuck on “much” then and had to physically lift my pen from the page!)

The Simple Joys and the Ace’s Return

I’m writing with my dad’s old Parker pen. I’ve rested my arm for a few days, so I can now enjoy the glide of ink across the paper in my lovely A4 notebook. A good notebook is a life luxury I tend to prioritise. I don’t think I can adequately describe the thrill I get from the subtle noise the nib and ink makes as it forms the letters across the paper – it’s lush.

Which reminds me of other noises I love: the chatter of children laughing, knitting needles clacking, stitch markers clicking against the table.

The Ace of Wands! Finally, I’m back in the room, blossoming – a reminder that I am indeed blossoming, something I have lost sight of the past few days. So yes, I see why I had this card again today.

Believing in the Spark

I will believe in myself and allow creativity to flourish. New beginnings, originality, creative wisdom, a fresh start, adventure. 

Liz Dean and Sarah Bartlett both speak of believing in my abilities, knowing the right way forward, facing up to the facts, and acting on inspiration. It’s about coming up with solutions to problems, feelings of excitement, and being passionate about life.

Tina Gong says “Wellspring of creative vision, ideas have starry potential to become reality, like a spark turning into a blazing flame. Flashes of inspiration are fleeting, to turn ideas into reality we must grasp the Wand with devotion, confidence, excitement, and enthusiasm.” 

There’s another element to this card, according to Sarah: sexual energy is now required! Maybe that’s what’s accounting for Beck looping on the old internal infernal jukebox.

I couldn’t hear the message of the Ace of Wands six days ago. It prevented a full meltdown, granted, but I couldn’t act on the positivity. All my energy went into “not spiraling.” Well, I had my meltdown yesterday, and I can still feel its echoes, but I feel the Ace of Wands stronger now.

I will proceed with caution and avoid overexertion. I’m feeling very well placed to seize the day.