A post about my internal infernal jukebox. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have my internal infernal jukebox. I used to think that everybody had one, perhaps confusing what people call earworms with my own unique experience. It was only after a few conversations about earworms that I realised what I have is a bit different. It’s not just a catchy tune that you heard somewhere that won’t stop playing in your head. Its proper name is Musical Ear Syndrome (MES), a type of auditory hallucination. Mine is probably caused by partial hearing loss from when I was a child and damaged my inner ear.
Waking Up to a Soundtrack
I wake up with a song in my head every single day – I can’t think of a day that I don’t. The jukebox changes the song; it’s not me that changes it. Sometimes it’s just one line from a song, or even just one or two words, and that can be really annoying. Sometimes it’s a song I really don’t like and I really don’t want in my head. It can be very intrusive, feeling like the song is louder than my own thoughts. It had got to a point where it was starting to really, really annoy me.
Investigating the Phenomenon
So I did some investigation and found some really interesting stuff. This is actually an auditory hallucination. That makes it sound rather scary and grand, doesn’t it? But it’s not. It’s a phenomenon that I’ve lived with all my life. If I’m really, really immersed in something and fully concentrating, then the jukebox either fades completely or plays really quietly underneath my other thoughts. That’s interesting in itself.
Seeking Control: The Classical Music Experiment
About a year ago I decided I needed to learn to control it somehow.I thought, “How do I turn it down or turn it off?” I read something about classical music and how maybe tuning into classical music might help. Classical music, or opera, has never been a feature in my life before. I like my indie music, punk, rock, some pop, folk, and reggae – I like lots of different types of music, actually, but I’ve never really tuned into classical.
My Peculiar Musical Sensitivities
I’m very sensitive to certain aspects of music. I’m very sensitive to auto-tune, and there are certain beats I really don’t like. A lot of modern music, really modern music, I don’t like anything very tinny. I’ve got quite a sharp ear, I think. If something’s very out of tune, that actually hurts me. And free-form Jazz does my head in; I just can’t be doing with that. It actually makes me feel a bit dizzy and sick. But it’s all connected, all part of the same thing.
The Impact of Classical Immersion
I started to listen to classical music, and when I started to listen, I mean I would put it on as soon as I got up and have it on all day. I didn’t listen to anything else, just classical music, and I did this for weeks. Eventually, I noticed that my internal infernal jukebox had really, really calmed down.
Finding a New Balance
I’m at the point now where I’m back to listening to music that I want to listen to; I can tune into other stations, choose from my own collections. The internal infernal jukebox came back. I just know now that I can control it. I can whack on Radio 3, and it sort of resets me.
The Subconscious Connection
I’m in a really different place now, I’m just much happier, much more content. I’ve dealt with a lot of issues from the past. Possibly, the subconscious tunes that the jukebox would play maybe just dealt with a lot of things. I like the surprise of what the jukebox plays, and it can make me ponder, “What’s the subconscious message of the song?” I don’t know if it is that deep, but my suspicion is that it links to some sort of subconscious memory. Sometimes though, it was almost like a punishment, something that would drive me mad.