It’s November 4th, and the Tarot card I drew today is the Five of Pentacles. Looking at those poor souls—cold, battered, and crying—you’d think I was down on my luck. While that’s not exactly how I’m feeling, I’ll heed the warning. My Fitbit keeps nagging me about “overtraining” lately, though I’m certainly not training for a marathon or hitting the gym.

The Training of Chronic Illness

I suppose I am in a sort of training: training myself on how to cope with a long-term condition. I push myself to go for walks most days, and that probably counts. After years of living with what is likely fibromyalgia, well that’s the diagnosis I was given, I’m getting better at knowing when to rest up.

Yesterday, for instance, was a success—but one I knew I’d pay for.

I’d had a decent amount of sleep (relative to my usual pattern) and a lovely early burst of mental energy. Knowing I had a doctor’s appointment at 9:15 AM—and having forgotten the one the week before—I had the motivation to stay alert from my pre-4 AM awakening. I decided to walk there.

My local park is glorious, truly splendid in Autumn. I made the most of the golden colours on the walk down before the high winds blew the vibrant foliage away (which, sadly, may be today).

Mission Accomplished: The Payback

The appointment was good. The doctor confirmed a bone contusion, but all my vitals were good—no suspected blood clots, thank goodness! They gave me treatment advice, and I felt reassured.

The docs is right next to a bus stop, and I had an errand. I jumped on a bus to town, visited a charity shop where I found perfect pieces for bag lining, and then got the bus home.

It was then I realised I was completely exhausted.

But the mission had been accomplished; the day had already been a resounding success. I knew I had to go to bed. It didn’t matter if I wanted to do anything else; I just had to rest. I had a call scheduled with a friend for 8:00 p.m., so I set an alarm just in case the rest turned into a deep sleep. It didn’t, and I felt much better for listening to my body.

The Elusive Beast of Fibro

This illness is a strange beast. Despite my best efforts to know it, predict it, and work with it, it remains elusive and unpredictable at times.

It requires knowing when to take action, such as:

• Resting when you’d rather be doing other things.
• Staying in when you’d rather go out for coffee.
• Sitting quietly crocheting when you’d rather be tackling work on the computer.
• Staying in your PJs when you’d rather shower and get dressed.

Life isn’t always accommodating. Yesterday, I had to go to the doctors. I couldn’t fully tune into my body’s immediate need because the appointment was non-negotiable. I knew I’d pay the energy price for that today, and knowledge is power.

Working With the Default State

The constant fatigue is so familiar to me now that it’s the normal state—the default position. I try my best to work with it, not against it.

That means I trade a day like yesterday, where I got things done and “kicked ass,” for today, where I manage my expectations down to minimal achievement.

I recognise the weird tiredness behind my eyes as the main indication that a day of total rest is required. However much I might want to go against this and try something physical or mental today, once my journalling is done, I will rest because I can.

This used to be constantly and enormously frustrating. Now, I practise understanding and acceptance. When I have a choice, I don’t fight it. I pick my battles, plan ahead, and reserve my energy for when it’s most needed. It’s not always possible, and I accept that, too.

Reading the Reversed Pentacles

My caffeine is wearing off, and my steam is running out, so let’s look at the Five of Pentacles interpretations.

Author	Interpretation (Upright)
Liz Dean	Being poor and feeling lost, fear of financial difficulties. Know this situation will pass.
Sarah Bartlett	Victim mentality, hardship, rejection, feeling alone or excluded, neglecting your needs, lack.

Neither upright interpretation really resonates with me right now. But maybe Liz Deans note, “Know this situation will pass,” reflects that if I rest today, I may well have energy tomorrow.

Tina Gong’s interpretation for the Reversed Five of Pentacles is: Embrace empathy, reconsider value, build resources.

Yes, that’s better. I’m reminded that I am not the person who used to constantly pull the upright version of this card. Today, I can relate far more to the reversed position. I feel blessed with so much: my family, my friends, my house, my crochet, and the view into the garden. I don’t feel like a victim or excluded; I feel lucky and grateful.

And with that, I will now go and mindfully rest.