17th November. I journaled this morning without drawing a card, and I won’t share that reflection. Instead, here is what the collective Tarot wisdom suggests, which feels intensely relevant:
- Listine says: “A new venture may not take off.”
- Sarah Bart. Slit says: “Juggling too many things, slow down a bit.”
- Tina Gong says: “Nourish yourself and rethink priorities.”
Yes. Yes. That’s all very pertinent.
But here’s the rub. Through years of working on myself and finally getting to a good place emotionally and mental health-wise—and to a lesser extent, but enough to count, physically—I find myself absolutely floored right now.
The physical health is the main kicker. The “new, improved version of Kay,” on a high and feeling great about life, decided it was time to venture back out into the real world. She looked at getting a normal job. But I had to rule that out. I’m not employable. I can’t commit to fixed hours or even getting a fixed amount of work done within a period of time. My physical health, my brain power, just doesn’t allow for that.
That’s when I started to think about starting a business—just a really small, no-pressure micro-business that could roll along with me and my fluctuating ability levels. Enter the business course. Now, that coincided with my energy levels being the highest and most consistent they had been in some time. I was riding high, relatively speaking, to the previous few years.
I can reflect now that the high high has been thwarted by the low low. I feel incapable of anything much at all at the moment.
Waiting for Spring
I can hold on to the hope that this too will pass. I just need to get through the end of Autumn and on through winter.
Maybe I’ll match the seasons and come spring, I will start to come alive again. It’s only about six weeks until the winter solstice when the days start to get longer.
I could hold on to myself at least. Everything else needs to go dormant. Tasks I was managing with relative ease very recently have become impossible. I’m not even so much “wonky” as completely barren. I sit at my computer and just stare at the screen—blank, devoid of any gumption, sometimes even unsure of why I even sat there in the first place. Habit, I guess, to try and get “work” done.
I’m really forgetful at the moment. I’m not unfamiliar with that, but it can be scary. Is this it? Have I started on that slippery slope to dementia? Alzheimer’s? Yep, it’s proper scary.
Loneliness vs. Loner
I spoke to a beautiful friend yesterday and basically unloaded. That felt so good but reminded me that I don’t really have, or haven’t lately been having, deep and meaningfuls with anyone. Everyone is so busy, and I have some great friends here, but not the “knew for a long time and feel comfortable talking about my feelings and what’s going on for me” type of relationships.
It’s that conundrum again? Loner versus lonely.
I tell myself, I’m not lonely. I rationalise about my introvert battery. Part of coming here was about discovering myself and my ability to live life as a loner.
I don’t know.
The little—actually, not quite so little—Robin has just appeared as if to remind me. Remind me I’m not alone. Remind me to count my blessings. Open my eyes, sit in the sun, feel the rays.
Enjoy the branches, now unburdened of their leaves. The leaves now lying on the bare earth of the garden to break down, to become the compost. The nutrients for the arrival of spring. When seeds can be planted and growth can be anticipated.
I wonder if that little, not-so-little Robin has any idea how important they are to me?
And breathe. Off to Bristol today, and then a big day In Brighton so no posts for a couple of days. Family Time 🙂
