15th November

Another day, another good sleep. I could get used to this, if only it meant I woke up feeling fully refreshed, rested, and ready for action. But alas. If anything, I find I’m waking up confused and sleepy. How can a solid sleep of 4 hours and 16 minutes—1 hour, 6 minutes of which was deep—feel less rejuvenating than my usual power naps? It’s confusing, but not worth losing sleep over, haha.

Maybe I’ve just cracked it, actually. I’ve broken one of my strictest, “must be abided” life rules the last few days. After years of living (mainly) gluten-free, I gave in to the pool of carbs.

The Wheat-No-No

I know eating wheat is terrible for my body. I don’t absorb Vitamin D when I eat it. I seem okay with other gluten, but wheat is a big No-No. I can blame the onset of SAD, but ultimately, it’s only me buying that crap, and me putting it in my mouth. It’s not the end of the world, but it is going to take a serious detox to get rid of the poison and reset my gut and my brain.

No point crying over spilt milk. Still with the milk? Huh? Maybe I should go back to the lactose-free milk diet, too. A good, healthy, unprocessed diet: do all my own cooking, no sweets, no chocolate, no sugar that’s not from fruit. That’s what I follow for my health regime, successfully usually and I’ve well and truly blown that up this last week.

Reclaiming the Goal

I have a strong goal to be as fabulous as I can be for my 60th birthday next year. I made a very excellent start, but like most things, I start with gusto and a high level of enthusiasm, and then abandon it. I did lay down some very good habits, and learned to live with and abide by them, for a good few months. I lost quite a bit of weight and was feeling great for that.

I can get back there, and sooner rather than later. I’m pretty confident I will reach my goal and, once there, stay there. My last 20 years (being very optimistic) will be best served by being quite a bit less heavy than I am now. Not skinny, but just right.

Now, where did I leave my willpower? Move over, SAD, you’re clouding everything, you preposterous ponderous pest, you bulky belligerent, benign beast, you hulking humongous hellhole. Fetch me a ladder, I need to climb out of here!

Challenging S.A.D

SAD does manage to leave me feeling less muddled though, because of its pernicious ability to deftly deliver total flatness; it squashes ambition, drive, and creativity by the bucket load. Because of this, there are far fewer thoughts to juggle, no action plans or To-Do’s to get ticked off. They’ve disappeared into the fugue.

I’m challenging SAD this year though. I feel I’m still in the driving seat, or could be. I’m not giving in. I’m exhausted on top of exhausted, but I’m practising kindness to myself and allowing myself time to adjust without added negativity. It’s a matter of fact, not a personal failure, that I get SAD.

Armed with that, I can approach this year’s SAD onset differently. Granted, I still felt the rug being pulled from underneath me, unceremoniously, successfully, and invisibly for the first couple of days. But I see you now, and I challenge you. You might be making your annual visit, but I’m not making up a bed for you in the spare room and handing you a pair of slippers and a fluffy dressing gown.

No, you are banished to the dark cupboard under the stairs. The door doesn’t quite shut properly—(literally, it’s another DIY job I’ve never gotten around to getting fixed) —but you’re safe enough there. I know you’re there, but I can’t see you. And I’ll do my best to ignore you by trying to get on with things, and reclaiming this part of my year.

Who knows? Next year, I may even have fixed the door, and I can shut you away completely from the second you arrive. I might even remember to plan for your arrival.

The Page of Swords (Reversed)

The card today is the Page of Swords reversed. Another reversed card. Well, I think this is a good thing because over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time looking at the upright meanings. So when I turn over a card like the Page of Swords reversed, I don’t really have an inkling. I mean, I know it’s Swords: air, words, messages.

I suspect this relates to someone I know, not to myself. Someone I’m thinking of a lot, trying to change how I respond in my thoughts towards them and their situation. It’s a delicate balance and one I suspect is going to involve putting boundaries in place and employing head over heart.

• Liz Dean says: Disruption and unfairness or poor judgment.
• Sarah Bartlett says: Stop deceiving yourself. You don’t have all the answers. Question and challenge yourself. Don’t let all the emotions swamp you.
• Tina Gong says: Think before you speak.

This does resonate because I drafted a message last night and at the last second, just deleted it before sending. That was a wise decision because it was a mean, passive-aggressive missive born out of frustration, lacking in love, compassion, and empathy.

The ability to send instant messages isn’t always a good thing. I’m thinking back to the days when sending a message meant sitting down, putting pen to paper, taking time to compose. Then along came the telephone, and now the mobile. How much trouble has been caused by taking away the ability not to respond in an instant, reacting to our emotions without due care and attention?

Think of the late-night drunken texts, the hasty, angry firing off of unfiltered words, the instant “Yes, of course, I can do that.”

Taking time, doing things more slowly, more deliberately—I think that should be my theme going forward, a new tool to add to my armoury.

What could be my daily affirmation for this? I think it could simply be Think. It can sit right next to Breath on my wall.