I woke up well-rested—a reward, I suspect, for recent exhaustion that went far beyond typical fatigue. I’m taking back control this morning, starting with my delicious coffee and the corvids calling.
When Journaling Stops Being Therapeutic
I didn’t intend to write about this, but I’ve realized my journaling dynamic has changed since I started sharing these entries as blog posts. I’m losing the therapeutic value, and that’s a problem.
I became so focused on building the business that everything, including this personal process, started to revolve around content creation. I wanted to share how valuable daily journaling is for self-discovery and intuition, but the sharing corrupted the process.
- Original Goal: Learn the tarot cards (failed—my brain isn’t wired for it).
- Actual Value: A template for clearing and organizing my thoughts (very effective).
- Current Problem: By deciding to share my innermost thoughts publicly, I’m editing myself before I even write. I’ve turned a personal, necessary process into a form of passive-aggressive broadcasting, introducing vulnerability and the unhealthy compulsion to maintain a public ‘version’ of myself.
I need to reclaim the therapeutic value. My initial logic—using daily writing to drive website traffic—made sense, but looking back, my journaling has become muddied, not clearer. I forgot that the primary intention is to set my day, clear my thoughts, and connect with my emotions. I’m losing that to a form of journalism.
Chasing Rainbows: The Business Idea Carousel
Aha moment No.1: I throw myself at ideas without thinking them through. Or, in this case, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. The business started as a good idea, but did I just get swept along on a tide of… what?
It all began with making herbal balms.
- The Idea: Turn my personal pain-soothing balm into a micro-business: “Little Shed Balms.”
- The Investment: This whim led to planning and designing my beautiful garden shed.
- The Reality: The shed now feels like a beautiful, redundant carbuncle—a permanent reminder of failure. I lose myself in these fantasies, rarely seeing them through. I change the facade of ‘Kay’ to chase the newest whim.
The Fatal Roadblock: I discovered that selling the goodness of Mother Nature requires navigating a mountain of prohibitive regulations, paperwork, and accreditation. The idea had to be dropped, despite having poured significant money into essential oils, tins, and beeswax. Instead of cutting my losses and selling the stock, I doubled down on the idea of a business.
I was already signed up for a business course. I loved the structure, the socialization, and the learning curve. It felt good to challenge my stagnated life.
Just not with balms. What next?
It seemed obvious: Crochet.
The Birth of Indie Heart Crochet
Indie Heart Crochet was born. The reality is this: I throw myself enthusiastically into things to avoid facing the fact that I live a kind of nothing life and that I’m lonely. I create a fantasy world, fully immersing myself until the bubble bursts.
I loved putting together the business plan. It felt exciting after years of withdrawing—no, that’s not right. After years of doing amazing, important, and overdue work on myself.
The Meltdown Realization: I think I’ve realized I can’t do this. I’m not cut out for it. It’s a screw-up, but not the end of the world. My life still exists. I can still do crochet as a hobby, not an enterprise. I have to get off the hamster wheel and stop kidding myself.
The Grant and the Final Push
My priority shifted back to Eassentially (the re-named balm concept). I still had the stock. I applied for and received a local women’s business grant—money to buy bottles and labels to legitimately sell the stock.
- The Pivot: I can’t sell balms (requires a license), but I can rebottle and sell essential oils (no license needed).
- The Pressure: I accepted the grant, attended an award ceremony, and got a scroll from The Mayor. All the while, I was dying inside, thinking, “What have I done?”
- The Result: I’ve burdened myself with fulfilling the grant’s basis on top of trying to build Indie Heart Crochet. I can’t even buy the right bottles (white lids look horrible). My head is bursting with this self-induced pressure.
What I need to remember is it doesn’t matter if I succeed, just that I tried.
I want to walk away from Indie Heart Crochet right now. I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, but I’ve built half a website, created social media accounts, invested time, and committed to a stall.
I don’t know how I’ve kept going these last few weeks. The stress is building, my body and brain are screaming for it to stop. It’s a runaway horse. I’m confused and lost.
A Path to Clarity
What is clear?
- Indie Heart Crochet is unfeasible as currently structured. I need to streamline it to make it workable as a minor endeavor.
- Eassentially: I just need to get on with it. Fulfilling the grant means trying, not succeeding.
- Me: I acknowledge ingrained feelings of failure and the tendency to chase rainbows to ignore reality. I need to be honest with people and work out my ‘script.’
Journaling for me is really helping. I have a mentor session later, and I’ll go into it with this new clarity. I feel lighter. It will take work to see this new plan through, but I know this Kay well.
I’m not sure who the ‘Kay’ of the last few months was. I liked her, but she’s exhausting. I have to put her away for a long bit. I need to be practical, cut my losses, and cut everything back to the bone. Silly thoughts about saving face are just that—silly.
The Card of the Day: The Six of Wands Reversed
The tarot has hit the nail on the head again:
- Liz Dean: “Delays to plans during which you try to discover the right outlet for your dreams.”
- Sarah Bartlett: “Come down from your high horse. If you can meet triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same.”
- Tina Gong: “How do you measure praise, display, success in your own way? Create your own measurements.”
PostScript: I had a seminar on managing a business while living with chronic illness, and it was amazing. I feel so much better now. I just need to really take an easy week and sort a few things out, but I know I’m going to get there, my way.
