It’s the 6th of November, and I’m pulling the Nine of Wands. If I had a handy mnemonic guide to the suits, I wouldn’t need to test my morning brain power. But where’s the fun in that? Today, I’m choosing one interpretation: Warrior, Action, Necessity, Determination. Yes, that will do. I feel like a warrior who has been through a battle this morning. I gave in to an early bed again—a common symptom of my fibromyalgia. If that is indeed my diagnosis, I have to roll with this inconvenient, unrelenting fatigue.
The Inconvenient, Familiar Foe of Fatigue
This isn’t the kind of tiredness that can be relieved by a good night’s sleep after a busy day. It’s a pretty much constant feeling—pervasive, ever-present, always lurking.
Sometimes, it’s surmountable, and I can get on with things. Sometimes, it’s so severe, I am good for nothing except for lying down.
A few times a week, I have to lie on the floor. I don’t fully understand this. I have an adequately comfy bed, but on these occasions, even the bed won’t do. Something about the rigidity of the floor, whilst not otherwise comfortable in the slightest bit, seems to help with the intense fatigue that is present in every muscle in my body.
This intense fatigue is always accompanied by vertigo. Perhaps the bed, whilst not a soft mattress, is still too yielding to deal with the need for absolute stillness.
It can take a couple of hours just lying there, eyes closed, not moving, for the vertigo and fatigue to ease to a point where I can get up and get into bed. I finally have an appointment coming up for the vertigo, arranged through my hearing loss clinic, and I’m hopeful they’ll be able to shed some light on this bizarre necessity.
The Blanket and the Blue Revolver
Yesterday’s episode—floor to bed to non-sleep—eventually led me to drift off around 11 p.m. I woke up just after midnight from a full-blown nightmare. It was a really violent one, involving mass shooters. Guns were going off everywhere, and at one point, I came face to face with a blue revolver. Literally. Okay, it was in my head.
Inevitably, I woke up drenched in sweat, very upset, and disorientated. Slowly, I became aware that despite the late hour, someone was letting off very loud fireworks. It was the 6th, the day after Bonfire Night, which usually finishes at midnight.
The cause of the nightmare is explained, though I’m curious about why I dreamt about a particular friend.
It could be because I’m subconsciously aware that I crocheted her and her partner a blanket as a wedding present probably two years ago, and I still haven’t given it to them.
I finished it long after I moved away from Brighton. I sent them a message asking for their address, and then got in my head about the blanket getting lost in the post. All those hours of work, just gone. I resolved to give it to them in person, but the reality of that would mean carrying extra weight and juggling an extra bag on an already stressful trip to Brighton.
I try to get to Brighton at least four times a year. It’s not a particularly difficult journey, but I’ll already be carrying my clothes and everything else I need. Throw in having to do the interchanges and onward travel once I hit Brighton, and carrying a blanket is not really feasible.
I’ve just forgotten about it, except I haven’t, really. Every now and then, I remember the blanket is still in the cupboard. They’ve moved now, and I haven’t really stayed in touch with anyone beyond my family and a few really close friends.
This nightmare, though—the blanket does weigh on my mind. Not exactly a gun to my head, but I am going to Brighton soon. My eldest son and I are going for my younger son’s graduation (he got a first in his Masters, and I’m so proud of him!). My oldest son is driving, and since we’re driving back the same day, I won’t have any overnight bags with me.
This will be the perfect opportunity to at least get the blanket to Brighton. Whether I get it together to get their new address and carve out the time to somehow deliver it is another matter, but one step at a time.
Boundaries and Perseverance
Liz Dean says: use your energy and your resources wisely in order to keep going.
Sarah Bartlett on the Nine of Wands:
- Preparedness: Feeling vulnerable and cautious. Be wary of your vulnerability, but don’t be bitter.
- Perseverance: Exhaustion, determination. Take pride in effort and protect your boundaries.
My reflection for today is that I know I have been overdoing everything, and then some. Frustration with living with fibromyalgia takes its toll. If I go beyond my physical limitations for more than a few days, the payback is fierce.
I know I need to take a complete break from everything: working on the business, meeting friends for tea, even my daily walks. This will be really hard, but if I don’t do it, I will make it really, really difficult for myself to regain any energy at all. I’ll be effective at only being completely and utterly useless.
Needs must. So from Monday, I’m taking the week. Absolutely essential uses of energy only.