Living with Fibromyalgia

Second outing for the Eight of Wands this week I note.

I haven’t felt at all well for the past week, and I have to remind myself sometimes that I live with fibromyalgia. The pain and discomfort are daily constants, as is the truly crazy sleep I experience.

The temperature fluctuations are perhaps the most unmanageable symptom right now. With the heating finally on, my internal thermostat seems to have gone haywire, swinging wildly between extremes. This, predictably, has a negative impact on my already fragile sleep patterns.

The Anniversary I Forget

I always forget that this is a difficult time of year for me anyway. As strange as it sounds, I often forget a very important, and very sad, anniversary. It’s usually around the sixth or seventh of November I start to remember —the anniversary of when I gave birth to my stillborn twins. It was, of course, a deeply traumatic event.

I’ve done a lot of work around that trauma, but I sometimes wonder if I’ve merely compartmentalized it rather than fully processed the deep emotional and physical impact. That trauma lives in my body, and the subconscious—being the subconscious—knows the date. This realization means I have to be extra, extra kind to myself right now. I can’t be ‘on point’ every day; that’s just an impossible expectation.

I’m not necessarily down, but I am frustrated. I haven’t been able to do any “work.” I realize I struggle to use that word because, honestly, I’m still just hobby-building and preparing to launch a business. Doing a business plan, setting strategies, and attending online seminars can make you feel like you’re already running a business, but I’m not there yet. I’m just getting ready.

The Eight of Wands (Reversed)

The Eight of Wands typically signifies communication, opportunities, swift action, and progress. In theory, this card aligns with the fantastic opportunities that have come my way, like solidifying my official launch in February with a month’s lease on a pop-up shop, for free! That space will be perfect for showcasing all the prepared bags and colourways.

However, the energy of rushing ahead and being swift is completely absent today. I feel the other side of the card: everything is up in the air. I certainly don’t feel grounded or finalised. All my energy has gone into keeping myself afloat, into the simple act of not sinking into the pool of despair that this time of year has historically brought. I can still be pleased with myself for this small victory.

But the frustration is real. As much as I practice mindfulness, breathing, and meditation—tools vital for keeping me mentally upright—I am still going to have down days. When I feel unwell, whether it’s the fibromyalgia or just a minor bug, it makes everything harder. I’ve realised I’ve been trying to ‘fake it till you make it,’ treating mindfulness as a cure-all. It isn’t. There will be days when things feel darker, when my body simply won’t cooperate. And that’s okay. I can work with that, too. And my tools are there waiting for me when I’m ready to get back up and face the world and it’s wonders.

Frantic Energies and Blockages

Looking at the card, I realise I need to view the Eight of Wands in Reverse.

This resonates much more: “Frantic energies left me without a focus or a clear vision.” Yes, that’s true. And: “Obstacles and blockages and frustrations.” Oh, yes. This makes perfect sense. My brain is not in a state to deal with things today.

Today is definitely a Reversed Card Day. I’m not even going to try and sort anything out. I think I’ll just go with the flow. I might try for a walk later—the sunlight this time of year is so beautiful.

A Muddled Mind

I know this post is a complete waffle, but speaking into a voice recorder doesn’t offer the same order as writing—the thoughts don’t have to travel down the arm to the pen, where they get a chance to be edited. It’s a free flow, and perhaps that’s what I needed today.

In my attempt to send this over to Google Docs for editing, I realized I’ve made an absolute mess of my blog post order. I thought I’d been so organized, setting up the first weekly summary, but somehow I created a week starting on the 23rd of October that doesn’t make sense. The oddest thing is that I felt incredibly organised and efficient that day! I was so proud of myself! Oh well, no harm done now that I’ve spotted it, but it confirms I’m more muddled than I’d recognized.

Chin up, though, m’dear. Well, maybe tomorrow.