The Eight of Wands: A Day Off (Sort Of)

October 13th, the Eight of Wands. I desperately needed a day off, a complete mental break from all things Indie Heart Crochet. Easier said than done, as it turns out. This week has been anything but plain sailing, with endless issues developing and building the website. It reached a point where it felt like everything I touched only made things worse. I had been so confident, so ready to tackle this, to absorb the huge new learning in small chunks, breaking them down, one step at a time. Taking a break, doing the next step… I just didn’t understand what was going on, but every time I went back to a task, my previous work had been undone. It was incredibly frustrating, but fingers crossed, all sorted now. (ps: it wasn’t and still isn’t sorted).

A Day of Joy (and Mindfulness)

Today, I’m going to crochet for pleasure! Hooray, that brings me great joy, and I will mindfully stop myself when my thoughts start turning to “business prep tasks.” It’s a day off. I actually get excited at the thought of having a hook in my hand.

I’m feeling a bit vulnerable today, which I’m very aware of, and that’s a good thing because I know how to look after myself and prevent a meltdown. Incense and candles will go on early doors. I’ll watch a comfort movie – no violence, murder, politics, etc. The Eight of Wands, I think that means being burdened, and I’m going to be burden-free today.

Oh, the excitement, the anticipation of holding my hook! I feel the need for something soft, a touch of luxury. So I think I’ll pick “Elements.” It’s a wool base with lyocell, which is plant pulp but feels incredibly silky. I’ve fallen in love with this yarn. It has good eco and sustainability credentials, and it’s a dream to work with. A bit on the pricey side to be an everyday, go-to yarn, though; also, it’s hand wash only, which I only recently realized.

The Struggle to Communicate

I’ve realized I’m not very good at handing over control. I know how I want things, but I struggle to share that vision, especially when it isn’t really a “visual” vision, if that makes any sense. Like, if I try and think of a horse in my head, I can see the word “horse,” but I really struggle to picture a horse.

I’ve come to realize that although I can be a good communicator, particularly when I write, verbally I’m not so good. Like on a doctor’s visit, they ask questions, and I don’t really know how to answer. For example, the classic: “How does it feel on a scale of one to ten?” Well, I don’t know! I don’t have a dial to look at. I struggle to describe symptoms seemingly, because I come away thinking I haven’t been listened to or understood.

I’m struggling to get what I’m thinking down in words right now, but here’s an example. For many years, I suffered – I mean, really suffered – with awful, terrible periods and what used to be called premenstrual syndrome (I don’t know what they call it now). Looking back, I can see it’s obvious that I had a worse experience than many other women I knew; that should have been my scale. I sought help many, many times, but how do you know that what you’re going through is much worse than anyone else? There was no internet or readily made information back then. I don’t think endometriosis was something I’d even ever heard about until I finally, at 42, received that diagnosis.

I’d moved, so I had a new GP. And on the very first appointment, the new patient appointment (I don’t think that happens anymore), he – yes, he – said he didn’t think that my periods or what I was describing about my PMS sounded right and referred me to gynaecology straight away, who quickly found and diagnosed endometriosis. I was 42! All those years of either not being listened to – “Oh, there, there, pat on the head, periods are part of your lot as a woman, be a good little dear and go away and accept the woman’s lot” – or being unable to put across sufficiently what I was going through. Considering I started my periods at 14 and the problems probably started to appear at 16, that’s nearly 30 years of undiagnosis. All because I sometimes cannot verbally communicate when it matters.

Everything happened very quickly after my diagnosis. I was offered surgery and had it within a few months. The difference was staggering. Hard not to be a bit bitter, but that was outweighed by the relief. Finally, finally, I could physically, at least, function much more easily. I’m very grateful for those years. But then, of course, along came menopause. That’s another story for another day, and reader/listener, let me tell you, it’s a whopper of a story!

“Leave It With Me”

But this is all to say, I don’t think I’m good at getting things across to people verbally. I’m great if I can go off a script, something I’ve prepared, but just verbally, there’s a disconnect between what I think and what comes out of my mouth. “How do you want your website to look?” Can other people answer that question? I know I can’t.

I also take what people say literally, and even though I should know myself and my tendencies by now, I don’t check through what was actually said and what that might really mean. “Leave it with me.” If I say that, it means exactly that: leave it with me. I will do whatever is needed to get the job done, the task sorted.I only say “leave it with me” if I’m absolutely 100% certain that I will have the time, skills, et., to get done what needs to be done. “Leave it with me” is a huge undertaking; I have to be 100% certain I understand what the other person is leaving with me, exactly. It can’t be woolly; it must be tangible. I know my previous colleagues found me a pain in this respect, my need for everything to be written down, lists, action plans, and details crystal clear.

But when it’s the other way around, when I hand off to someone else who’s saying, “leave it with me,” I feel relief. I’m unburdened. I allow a disconnect. I make a leap, thinking that somehow automatically, magically,  they are going to know what I’m leaving with them. I know this, and yet time and again, I’ve been in the same scenario, trusting in others to read my mind and do something, when I haven’t been clear, and I still do it. I haven’t learned. I’m not a team player in that sense; I have to do everything myself, be in control, because I cannot adequately share my vision or thoughts.

Let’s start again on Monday (SAOM). I should get that printed on a t-shirt!

What did the books say?

Author	Interpretation
Liz Dean	Fast and frantic time when communication is key!
Sarah Bartlett	Rushing ahead, getting priorities sorted, making clear your intentions, re-evaluating decisions, everything up in the air, take stock of the situation.
Tina Gong	Movement, energy. [Reversed] Chaos, no direction, delays, resisting momentum, making mistakes, scatterbrained. Align Your Goals, Trust Your Instincts.